Who put this wall here?

Every so often, I get tired.

Now, I know:  I don’t sleep when I should, I work all the time, I don’t sleep as much as I should, I work all the time, I’ve pulled 2 all-nighters+most of the next day-ers (at least) in the last couple of months, I work all the time (what?  I think my husband would say that “ALL THE TIME” bears mentioning at least 3 times here).  Yes, all of that is true, and I bounce back up from it and keep going at least 90% of the time.  Well, okay, I bounce not so much like super ball bounce and more like a wet slug might bounce, but I do keep going.  Right up until I don’t.

When I hit a wall, I can only imagine that, if you were to be present at the moment I do, the collision would actually visible to the naked eye and that the resounding *THWACK* can be heard for at least 4 counties.  I don’t mess around.  I hit that wall at the same speed I do everything else in the world (that doesn’t require a decision to be made on whether or not I can throw it out):  Head-on, full-out, damn-I-wish-I-had-insurance speed.

In the past, I have hit that wall with jobs, careers, school, majors, boyfriends, friendships, hobbies, television shows, games, food, music, you name it.  I find it beautifully ironic that ADDers tend to be so brand loyal to many staples.  I know it’s just because we don’t want to make a decision on trying something else, but it still makes for a great juxtaposition that I can be devoted to the same brand of toilet paper for the better part of 20 years, but I can’t find a way to call a friend once a month.

I am suddenly EXHAUSTED.  I want to just _stop_ and then start over.  I want a life, a yard, flowers, fun with my kid.  I want a weekend to do nothing but read a book.  I want nights spent watching movies and days spent laying in the sun.  I want no one to want anything from me for just a little while, say maybe a year.

I want to grow things – flowers and food.  I want to work in the soil, get disgustingly dirty and sweat a lot.  I want to fish and hike and pick berries.  I want to tell and be told stories from my childhood.

I want to swim, by myself, and just revel in the fact that I can be in water.

I want to pretend that I want for nothing — not because I have everything but because I don’t need anything.

I want to remember what it is like to be fun.

I want to listen to the ocean crashing, feel the wind blowing in my hair, the salt kissing my skin, the sand massaging my toes.

I want to not be afraid, to not be angry, to not feel cheated, to not resent.

I want to rest, repair, restore, replenish, renew.

I want to be me.

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About dyskinesia

Woman, mother, human being, grammarian. I have Attention Deficit Disorder. My child has Asperger syndrome. Philosophy, laughter, therapy, living. Life after divorce.
This entry was posted in ADD, Damn It, The Ugly Truth, Who am I? and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Who put this wall here?

  1. crisitunity says:

    I don’t know what brought you to this, but I understand where you are, really well, and I’m sorry. My immediate instinct is to give advice, even if it’s not needed, and it sounds like all this stuff is about priorities and sticking to them, even when other things get in the way. If that seems like the thing to do, I wish you luck with it and hope that hugs from a friend (even if virtual) will do you some good.

    Also, the wine I told you about is back in at my local liquor store, and I’ll send you some soon. Wine always helps. 🙂

    • Dyskinesia says:

      Thank you – hugs from a friend are definitely helpful, and I should add to my list that I’d like a good 3-4 days to be all about the wine. 🙂

      Some of it would be attributable to priorities, some to time, and some to money, which is unfortunately the archenemy of priorities and time so therein does like a rub (but not the only one). I’m going to attempt to spend a few days alternately pretending and swimming full-face in the deepest muck of reality and see what comes of it. Wish me luck – I definitely need it.

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