A Chicken in Every Pot.

In honor of the Great American Cluster$#*& Experience of Democracy that will occur tomorrow, I did a little hunting and gathering for an old post of mine from another blog in another lifetime (in a galaxy far, far away). 

————–

Hi.  My name is Dyskinesia, and I am running for Congress.

Under my plan, you’ll have to go out and get the chicken yourself, but at least you’ll be able to rest assured that it’s a chicken and not parakeet after 3 years of growth hormones.

My campaign promise is that I will go to Washington, sit on my ass, and not do a freakin’ thing

That’s right, America:  I plan to represent you appropriately because, after all, what is more representative of the average American than to sit on one’s sorry ass and not stand up for anything or anyone.

I promise to collect my paycheck without lifting a single finger to do a damn thing about any of the following:  social security, health insurance, prescription drug coverage, welfare, the homeless, AIDS, poverty, child abuse, homeland security, the war in Iraq, minimum wage, crimes, gun control, drug trafficking, immigration, neighborhood improvement, education, veterans’ benefits, government spending, unemployment, international trade, blah blah blah blah blah.  Not a  damn thing, people.  I swear it on my life.  

And, of course, the most important part of my pledge:  Since I won’t be working to solve any problems, you can rest assured that I also won’t be making anything worse.  I may not help to improve your life, but I won’t be screwing you with your pants on either.  You won’t find a truer offer than that!  I dare you to try.

I’ll appreciate your support at the polls.   Just don’t expect a thank you note.
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Go vote.

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About dyskinesia

Woman, mother, human being, grammarian. I have Attention Deficit Disorder. My child has Asperger syndrome. Philosophy, laughter, therapy, living. Life after divorce.
This entry was posted in Damn It, People who piss me off, Randomosity and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Chicken in Every Pot.

  1. Taoist Biker says:

    I loved it then, and I love it now. 😀

    I still think my “go ahead, let’s see you run a negative ad NOW!” strategy would be fun. Wouldn’t work, but it would be fun.

  2. boundandgags says:

    How did you not win?

    I stopped being hands on political when I was still in high school. I was writing for a friend who was running for mayor. I knew him well, knew he was a good business man, knew he’d be good for the city.

    But, as you’d expect, there were things I didn’t know.

    One day the current mayor walked in, I waved him into the office and listened to their conversation. Basically, my guy would toss his pretty considerable support base behind him if he allowed a loading area parking space on Main Street in front of his store.

    That’s all he wanted. That’s why he started. And that’s why I stopped. If the ulterior motives are that petty in a Podunk town it can only be worse the higher you go.

    I vote but I’ve turned down any offers to work for anyone. I’d rather not see what’s behind the curtain.

    But you? I would have worked for. Because there would be none.

    Perfect example of the reason I did an about-face on wanting to be a part of the legislature; politics (I suppose like everything) are far more about “What can I get for ME” than they are about “What can I do for …”

    And yes, I am entirely curtainless. The WYSIWIG candidate. I can see the posters now.

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