In honor of the Great American Cluster$#*& Experience of Democracy that will occur tomorrow, I did a little hunting and gathering for an old post of mine from another blog in another lifetime (in a galaxy far, far away).
Hi. My name is Dyskinesia, and I am running for Congress.
Under my plan, you’ll have to go out and get the chicken yourself, but at least you’ll be able to rest assured that it’s a chicken and not parakeet after 3 years of growth hormones.
My campaign promise is that I will go to Washington, sit on my ass, and not do a freakin’ thing.
That’s right, America: I plan to represent you appropriately because, after all, what is more representative of the average American than to sit on one’s sorry ass and not stand up for anything or anyone.
I promise to collect my paycheck without lifting a single finger to do a damn thing about any of the following: social security, health insurance, prescription drug coverage, welfare, the homeless, AIDS, poverty, child abuse, homeland security, the war in Iraq, minimum wage, crimes, gun control, drug trafficking, immigration, neighborhood improvement, education, veterans’ benefits, government spending, unemployment, international trade, blah blah blah blah blah. Not a damn thing, people. I swear it on my life.
And, of course, the most important part of my pledge: Since I won’t be working to solve any problems, you can rest assured that I also won’t be making anything worse. I may not help to improve your life, but I won’t be screwing you with your pants on either. You won’t find a truer offer than that! I dare you to try.
I’ll appreciate your support at the polls. Just don’t expect a thank you note.