I do so love the commercials

Oh, how I love commercials.

I have genital herpes, but I don’t let it hold me back! 
Well don’t get brave on my account, bub.  Feel free to hold back!

Mom?  Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? 
Well, yes, dear, but as a general rule, make your man shower first; that will help. 

I know I asked this question of not just my mom but every female member of my family.  (In truth, several of us were playing a game over the holidays one year, and I turned to my mother and asked her this question in the middle of the rest of the conversation.  It’s one of those family moments that is retold over and over and over with just about the same level of laughter as the original incident.    I’m the irreverent one in the family.)

I’m active and eat right, but once in a while, even I get…(in a hushed, incredibly shamed voice) constipated. 
Gosh, you’re right; I would never have guessed that about you at all!  Here I had you figured for bulimic!

I hate those {maxi-} pads.  They feel like a diaper.
 …and I much prefer this soggy cork of a tampon.

This formula is 100% natural, so you know it’s safe. 
Arsenic is 100% natural too, but I’ll pass.

The only tampon with a cardboard applicator. 
First of all, that’s not an “applicator,”  it’s a launch tube.  Secondly, thank God, because some nice dry cardboard is always comfy!

The only diet pill made for adult women who are menopausal. 
A)  “Adult women” is like saying “teenage 15-year-old.” 
B)  So, you made a diet pill that is just for women who are nearing the end of menstruation, meaning they’ll be able to take it for about 2 years, tops.  Somehow I doubt that’s what you meant.
C)  If that’s the case, why the hell do you look like you’re 22 years old?

We’re overweight because our thyroid isn’t functioning the way it should.
 …and your cure for this is to take the crap you’re selling?  Might there be any OTHER symptoms of hypothyroidism?  Interestingly, being a gullible idiot isn’t one.

Kids use more toilet paper than they need.  Ultra brandname is so much more absorbment that you can use less! 
Sooooo, your product requires me to retrain my child to use less toilet paper.  Isn’t that exactly what you just told me the problem was to begin with?  Therefore, you’re compounding the issue, not fixing it.  You’re a prince!

They’re giving it away free???  Then it MUST be GOOD!!
Mother of God.  Head on down to the clinic and see about your free lobotomy.  They have a table waiting just for you.

As I’m always saying to my husband when we see a ridiculous commercial, I just can’t help but think to myself, “Someone got PAID for that.

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About dyskinesia

Woman, mother, human being, grammarian. I have Attention Deficit Disorder. My child has Asperger syndrome. Philosophy, laughter, therapy, living. Life after divorce.
This entry was posted in Damn It, People who piss me off, Randomosity and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I do so love the commercials

  1. Taoist Biker says:

    My freshman English professor once said that he had a girl tell him she was going into advertising and he had to bite his lip to keep from saying “Don’t do it! It’s immoral!”

  2. Sarah says:

    It’s funny, you and I have the same kind of responses to these commercials.

    I once asked my mom the “not so fresh” one, and she just froze and stared at me. It took me ten minutes to convince her I was kidding.

  3. Becca says:

    I almost fell off my chair laughing so hard from this. I think similar things when commercials come on.

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