I just wanted to take a minute to show a little love for my man, who had a great and bummer and fun and kinda sucky day yesterday. I’d like to remind him that he’s a super guy and a super dad and a super partner – and not just because he bought me a cool video game for my birthday. 😉
I’m working like a dog right now, really getting my feet wet at job #2 that is now job #1 (henceforth to be known as ‘the new job’). It won’t continue to be like this forever with this gig, but I’m making great headway, getting to know the boss, and exercising my opportunity to prove my skills, which is so far going very well and will hopefully position me to be making more money and settling into a happier medium by some time in the fall.
That said, my beloved hubby has been with me a long time. He’s seen me super-obsess about jobs (and whatnot) because of hyperfocus, emotional detachment, and a compulsive (and screwed up) “if I’m good at this, then it will finally be the thing that makes me happy” mentality. None of that has been pretty, and all of it has taken a major toll on me, him, and our marriage over the years, so it has to be hard to see me putting in these insane hours right now, with the mind wondering, “Are we doing this again…?”
For the record for everyone else, because he knows just from reading it, the fact that I can describe it as I just did makes it very plainly clear that, no, we’re not doing that again. And, really, I can’t tell you how proud it makes me to know that I understand all of that and am not feeling that, at all.
It’s only been in the last few years that I have found my life to be, well, honestly, rewarding. I’ve always taken joy in small things, stopped to smell the roses, reveled in love and my kid, yada yada, but I’d never before been able to feel that warm sense of contentment and happiness that can come only from inside oneself. I don’t search all over trying to find The Thing(TM) that will finally make me happy. I don’t say, “If only… then I’d be happy.” I used to think that I needed something Big to happen, to be a star in my career, to be wealthy, to be adored by all, blah blah. Now that I’ve recognized a center in myself and my own worth, my dreams are time with my husband, less worry over the details of living life (bills, etc.), and that my kid turns out to be a good and happy human being. That’s pretty much it, and the thought of those things makes me ecstatic. 🙂
So, yes, I’m working my rear off toward a goal, but that goal is not about running away from anything or trying to be on the cover of the industry magazine. It’s about more time for the love that so enriches my life.
So, I just wanted to say, I love you, baby. Thank you for all your support and help and patience and tolerance and for the groceries and the clean dishes, for not screaming bloody murder, for taking a day off, for the clean clothes, for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I ate at 10 p.m., and for loving me enough to even try to understand why I work so hard and so long for so little – for so much.
I might even be just a little more lucky to have you than you are to have me. 😉