My son is going to visit his grandparents in a couple of days. He’ll spend a week with them doing some fantastic kid-friendly stuff, and I’m really excited for him and for them. My own feelings about his going on vacation, however, are a little harder to describe.
See, on the one hand, there is the very simple feeling of choirs of angels singing:
Time to myself? DAYS of it? With no kids knocking at the door? No hourly chorus of MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM? No whining about the meal choices or having to shower or having to clean up toys (okay, I might still whine about that one – sorry, dear!) or complaints about brushing his teeth or that I’m working too much or that he wants me to go outside with him in the 900-degree weather and ride bikes? Two whole days that I will get to spend with my husband with our clothes maybe mostly off, climbing out of bed when *we* need food, going out to a restaurant and NOT ordering chicken nuggets assoonasyoucangetthemtothetableplease, swearing whenever I want? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? Where the hell do I sign up!?!?
Also on that hand, I will finally get some work done, have a moment’s peace to figure out what I’m going to do about this 2 job situation, be able to spend more than 1 hour in my office at a time so that my remodel can progress further if not near completion, go through my closet and make room for the pile of clothes that I need to hang up but can’t wedge in there at the moment, and spend at least 5 whole days without a dining room table completely covered by Legos. I’m so psyched about all those things that I don’t think I can adequately express it, choir of angels or no!
So yeah, that’s the one hand.
On the other hand, I know what you’re expecting: the pathetic mom whose baby is going to be away from her bosom (yeah, I said it) and won’t be able to function. Well, yeah, I admit that I will greatly miss kissing him good night, smelling him after the shower I forced him to take, and the giant hugs he’s been giving recently, though I think those are coming from a place of knowing that he’s leaving for a little while — a subconscious miracle for my child. Having him away from my reach is always difficult for me, and after a traumatic start to school, it was several solid months (and I’m being conservative) after we found the perfect school for him before I stopped worrying about every second he was at school. In the case of a child completely devoid of social skill, it comes with the territory, and sadly, that one grows worse as he ages instead of better. That’s another blog entirely, though it does play a part in my anxiety now because I worry about how he will function there and what his grandparents will not catch on to quickly enough or at all because they haven’t seen him in months and aren’t used to his “way.” I reconcile myself on that one, though, knowing that different experiences like that have historically brought him more into the world, so I always have more hope than fear when he goes off for an adventure like this. I will definitely miss him, but knowing that he is having fun and most likely growing in experience will help that immensely.
No, the other hand is the simple fact that there is a change occurring in my daily life. It never ceases to amaze me that the more I learn about ADD and how it works within me, the more I realize that things I always thought about myself are true and not so true at the same time. For example, I am spontaneous, often in the form of impulsive; I never used to think that I was impulsive, just that I knew what I wanted. While I still agree with the assessment that I try to logic out my wants and, once I have, can be, um, committed to what I want, I understand now that is driven by a total lack of patience (read:impulsivity). I want what I want when I want it (damn it), and waiting for it just seems stupid if another option is available. It’s not so much about being spoiled or having no self-discipline (thought I freely admit that I fall squarely under that heading more often than I would like), it’s really just more of a, “Well, why the hell not???” Anyway, the point is that for someone who can be spontaneous to the point that I think I hold a record for making the most number of people shoot beverages out of their nose in one day, I reeeeally don’t cope well with changes to my daily routine.
The irony, of course, is that I don’t have much of a daily routine. My husband used to have such a morning routine that I wouldn’t get up in the morning until he was out the door because fucking up his routine by being in the bathroom when he was supposed to be brushing his teeth wasn’t worth the big freaked out grouch he’d be. Me? Yeah, that is NOT me. I’m much more of a mosey-er. I get up, say good morning to the kid, take the dog out, eat my breakfast, help the kid get ready for school, the boys leave, and I’m on my own to do my own thing. I might work, I might watch Good Morning America, I might go back to sleep, I might play a video game and go back to sleep at the same time (those are some weird dreams, people). But, I knew that from the moment they walked out the door until the moment I had to walk out the door in the afternoon to go pick up the kid, that time was my own. That was my routine. Been outta school damn near a month now, and I still don’t have one down for the summer. I don’t function well if I don’t feel settled into something, and I’m definitely still not settled (very hard to settle with your only child around all the time – at least for me). And what little bit of settling I’ve managed is about to come undone because he’s not going to be here. I just don’t do this kind of change.
So, with vacation looming, I am listless and restless and many other things that end in -less. I find myself wishing it was already over and he was back. I find myself thinking that it will be over far too soon and I will be back to days of almost no moments entirely to myself. I find myself afraid of not accomplishing anything that I hope to and also worrying that I will (because, ya know, THEN what?). I find myself wishing that school would hurry up and start again so that I would feel settled and could get something done. Then I find myself wishing that school would never start again because I hate the craziness of the school year schedule, especially in the fall.
Yeah, I’m nuts. But hey, at least I get to sleep in and watch an R-rated movie during the day next week. 🙂