You’re saying it to yourself already aren’t you?
…doing something again and again, expecting a different result.
Yep, that’s the one.
You’d think I’d learn. After all, as I always say, “Hell, you can teach a monkey to…” Hmm, of course, now that I think about it, I wonder if you can teach a monkey to STOP doing something. I’m sure that you could do it with physically painful stimuli but what about emotionally painful?
You see, I have done the same thing over and over and over and over — regrettably, even after I knew that I was doing it and what it has wrought me in my lifetime. I’m sure that we all do it; I’m certainly not special in this aspect of my tortured psyche by any means. But, ya know, it’s my blog, so I get to bitch about my stuff. If you’d like me to bitch about yours, I’d be happy to do that, and for your convenience, I accept PayPal.
I’m an only child. I have a tendency to, how to put this nicely, “attempt to overachieve,” with some obvious, pathetic need to get something rewarding back out of it from someone else. It’s a pervasive theme: work, love, friendships – you name it. What am I searching for? Was I not held enough as a kid? Is there a tiny spot in my brain that just functions as a damn black hole for emotional reassurance? Do I really need someone else to tell me I’m good enough? Honestly, for that last one, I don’t think that’s true anymore. BUT, there’s something still happening there, and boy is it just pissing me right the hell off. (Btw, dear, that was the abbreviation I couldn’t remember and just down did: FRTHO.)
I think, on some level at least, part of what it boils down to is that I want to be appreciated. Therefore, I put myself out there in ways that I’m not even asked to, repeatedly. After a while, appreciation ends up turning into expectation on the part of the recipient, which I have to admit only seems a natural, albeit still faulty, course of events, and then suddenly, I’ve spent all morning working on something very special for someone I really care about, who is supposed to REALLY care about me, and while I was asked for help, I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty, giving up my work time to complete it to the point of “just right.” And do I get so much as a damn thank you out of it? No. In point of fact, by the end of the conversation, the person was so irritated about something having nothing to do with me that a real “Goodbye” wasn’t even muttered before the click.
In short? I am a moron.
I know that I should be thinking differently about this. I know that I should be saying to myself that the person in question is truly the one with the issue; I mean, how inconsiderate can you get, right? But, no, while I know all of that, it only serves to make me feel the bigger fool – because I know better.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me for my whole damn life without me managing to stand up and do anything about it? I’m an idiot.
…and I once wondered why I might have issues with trust.