My son is going to visit his grandparents in a couple of days.  He’ll spend a week with them doing some fantastic kid-friendly stuff, and I’m really excited for him and for them.  My own feelings about his going on vacation, however, are a little harder to describe.

See, on the one hand, there is the very simple feeling of choirs of angels singing:

Halle-freakin-lujah!!!!

Time to myself?  DAYS of it?  With no kids knocking at the door?  No hourly chorus of MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?  No whining about the meal choices or having to shower or having to clean up toys (okay, I might still whine about that one - sorry, dear!) or complaints about brushing his teeth or that I’m working too much or that he wants me to go outside with him in the 900-degree weather and ride bikes?  Two whole days that I will get to spend with my husband with our clothes maybe mostly off, climbing out of bed when *we* need food, going out to a restaurant and NOT ordering chicken nuggets assoonasyoucangetthemtothetableplease, swearing whenever I want?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?  Where the hell do I sign up!?!?

Also on that hand, I will finally get some work done, have a moment’s peace to figure out what I’m going to do about this 2 job situation, be able to spend more than 1 hour in my office at a time so that my remodel can progress further if not near completion, go through my closet and make room for the pile of clothes that I need to hang up but can’t wedge in there at the moment, and spend at least 5 whole days without a dining room table completely covered by Legos.  I’m so psyched about all those things that I don’t think I can adequately express it, choir of angels or no!

So yeah, that’s the one hand.

On the other hand, I know what you’re expecting:  the pathetic mom whose baby is going to be away from her bosom (yeah, I said it) and won’t be able to function.  Well, yeah, I admit that I will greatly miss kissing him good night, smelling him after the shower I forced him to take, and the giant hugs he’s been giving recently, though I think those are coming from a place of knowing that he’s leaving for a little while — a subconscious miracle for my child.  Having him away from my reach is always difficult for me, and after a traumatic start to school, it was several solid months (and I’m being conservative) after we found the perfect school for him before I stopped worrying about every second he was at school.  In the case of a child completely devoid of social skill, it comes with the territory, and sadly, that one grows worse as he ages instead of better.  That’s another blog entirely, though it does play a part in my anxiety now because I worry about how he will function there and what his grandparents will not catch on to quickly enough or at all because they haven’t seen him in months and aren’t used to his “way.”  I reconcile myself on that one, though, knowing that different experiences like that have historically brought him more into the world, so I always have more hope than fear when he goes off for an adventure like this.  I will definitely miss him, but knowing that he is having fun and most likely growing in experience will help that immensely.

No, the other hand is the simple fact that there is a change occurring in my daily life.  It never ceases to amaze me that the more I learn about ADD and how it works within me, the more I realize that things I always thought about myself are true and not so true at the same time.  For example, I am spontaneous, often in the form of impulsive; I never used to think that I was impulsive, just that I knew what I wanted.  While I still agree with the assessment that I try to logic out my wants and, once I have, can be, um, committed to what I want, I understand now that is driven by a total lack of patience (read:impulsivity).  I want what I want when I want it (damn it), and waiting for it just seems stupid if another option is available.  It’s not so much about being spoiled or having no self-discipline (thought I freely admit that I fall squarely under that heading more often than I would like), it’s really just more of a, “Well, why the hell not???”  Anyway, the point is that for someone who can be spontaneous to the point that I think I hold a record for making the most number of people shoot beverages out of their nose in one day, I reeeeally don’t cope well with changes to my daily routine.

The irony, of course, is that I don’t have much of a daily routine.  My husband used to have such a morning routine that I wouldn’t get up in the morning until he was out the door because fucking up his routine by being in the bathroom when he was supposed to be brushing his teeth wasn’t worth the big freaked out grouch he’d be.  Me?  Yeah, that is NOT me.  I’m much more of a mosey-er.  I get up, say good morning to the kid, take the dog out, eat my breakfast, help the kid get ready for school, the boys leave, and I’m on my own to do my own thing.  I might work, I might watch Good Morning America, I might go back to sleep, I might play a video game and go back to sleep at the same time (those are some weird dreams, people).  But, I knew that from the moment they walked out the door until the moment I had to walk out the door in the afternoon to go pick up the kid, that time was my own.  That was my routine.  Been outta school damn near a month now, and I still don’t have one down for the summer.  I don’t function well if I don’t feel settled into something, and I’m definitely still not settled (very hard to settle with your only child around all the time - at least for me).  And what little bit of settling I’ve managed is about to come undone because he’s not going to be here.  I just don’t do this kind of change.

So, with vacation looming, I am listless and restless and many other things that end in -less.  I find myself wishing it was already over and he was back.  I find myself thinking that it will be over far too soon and I will be back to days of almost no moments entirely to myself.  I find myself afraid of not accomplishing anything that I hope to and also worrying that I will (because, ya know, THEN what?).  I find myself wishing that school would hurry up and start again so that I would feel settled and could get something done.  Then I find myself wishing that school would never start again because I hate the craziness of the school year schedule, especially in the fall.

Yeah, I’m nuts.  But hey, at least I get to sleep in and watch an R-rated movie during the day next week. 

As my other half said at Laura’s blog*, the happiest couples are the ones who have worked through the crap together and come out the other side. 

(*If you’ve not read the “Our Story” at Snerkology, I highly encourage you to do so!  Laura writes beautifully and has a very special insight that I love to read.  This is a multi-post story, and I link you to the latest installment at this time because she links all the others there.  I don’t usually directly refer to situations in another blog like I will be here without spelling them out, but there’s too much!  I refer directly to part 6.  Go, read.  Or, skip over those here if you must!)

At my parents’ anniversary party not long ago, a friend of my mother’s who is about my age looked at a picture of my husband and I and said, “See, I LOVE that picture because it is so obvious that you two are in love and really cherish each other.”  I laughed and said, “Yeah, well, that’s the after picture: We’d spent the entire year before that deciding whether we should get divorced and working through YEARS of crap that we’d been ignoring, so at that point, we really were in love with each other again!”  She thanked me profusely for letting her know that ‘look’ isn’t just some magical thing that falls out of the sky because she’d been going through a lot with her husband recently too and the work was so challenging; it was nice for her to know that we had made it out the other side, not just alive but better for it.

Second, and very importantly, I hope that in retrospect, it is obvious to Calvin that the dissolution of his marriage is the best thing that could have happened to his children.  I am the product of a home that is (long pause here while I tried to figure out how to word this adequately) shattered like a mirror.  My parents stayed together, and their relationship is, to this day, like a shattered mirror for me - constantly stabbing and cutting at me with sharp edges and tiny pieces of glass that get stuck in my skin and burn.  I am the only child of people who cannot stand each other, and I have had a whole lot of counseling to understand that I am not a product of hatred and animosity just because, like their relationship, I am made up of both of them.  Their relationship still pains me to the point that I moved a few states away in part to get the hell away from its poisoning effect, I almost can’t handle visiting them, and it is very close to agonizing at times to have them visit us because of the way their hostility infects the peace of my own home.

Because they both use me against the other, solicit my support in their battle, and then also blame me as well, I do not and cannot trust them - and have not done so from a very young age.   There is a whole of story that follows that for me, and I’m sure that some of it will show up here in the future, but suffice to say that I understand Michael and Marie’s trauma in the early divorce at not being able to trust their mother to protect them, love them, and not hurt them.  I simply cannot imagine what happened in her mind to hurt her children in that way; there is no hurt that justifies that.  I’m not saying that a parent can’t snap - we are still human, but when you find yourself in that situation, you REMOVE yourself from it as quickly as possible.  But then, I guess, I have the experience of having been the child.

When I was a child, my mother chose to stay in the marriage because of who I might end up being exposed to as family if they divorced because my father had known affairs with, we’ll say, women who would be less than suitable in the stepmother department.  On that level, I totally understand and can certainly respect her decision (I know these people now).  BUT, I was obviously also seriously damaged by their relationship in other ways that have taken me years to get over, so I can’t say that at least once I got older, it was still the right decision to make.  And now that I have my own child who visits them too, I have become more assertive with them in order to look out for him - realizing that demanding some restraint from them was the best thing I could do for myself and, therefore, for my son.

The point is this:  Our kids learn from us.  By watching their parents, children learn what they should accept from another person in a relationship.  They learn when to bow down and when to stand up.  They learn how they will define love, respect, and partnership.  They learn about self-respect and how to define boundaries.  They learn when to stick it out and when to let go and how to go about making those decisions.  They learn about self-preservation and being true to who you are.  And they learn all of these incorrectly if that is all they ever see. 

Never do to yourself what you would never do to your child because they will learn it from you and do it to themselves.

Calvin ultimately did right by his children by that standard, and I sincerely hope that he knows that. 

If there is anyone else out there reading this who is in a similar situation in a bad relationship, please think long and hard about what you are teaching your child by how you are treating yourself and/or allowing yourself to be treated.  I’m not advocating leaving or staying, but know that what you’re doing is what you’re teaching your children to do for themselves.  It should be an important part of your decision.

Yesterday was a pretty good day for my kid - outside of annoying the hell outta me with the never-ending chorus of summer (Moooooommmmm, I neeeeeeeeed….) and ultimately causing me to tell him to get off my @$$ - in not so many words or symbols.  That aside, he picked up some new loot.  He’s about to go on vacation, and I thought he needed a couple of things to take with him.

First, he got a new camera.  I tried this once before, and frankly, it was a flop.  My bad.  I thought I’d researched it well enough, but boy was I wrong.  While I was enthralled with the ol’ Fisher-Price fake-o with the plastic rotating flash bulb.

This is the technological age, and my kid was just not impressed with his small digital thingie that had a teeny tiny LCD screen that showed a pretty grainy image that wasn’t in full color if the batteries weren’t BRAND FREAKIN’ NEW.  Yeah, that effort didn’t take.

I have better hopes for the new camera, especially once he sees the pictures on the big screen of the computer and printed out for his photo book (btw, Honey, we need to make him a photo book from his vacation as SOON as he gets back!).  The new camera is an Argus Bean 5MP (variety green, thank you).  Now, I know that (a) 5 MP doesn’t sound like a lot and that (b) 5 MP sounds like a lot of $$ for a kid’s camera, but keep in mind that my first hi-fi digital that took HOLY WOW!! pictures –and honestly, still takes good pics– was 1 MP.  Yes, 1 MP.  And it cost almost a grand (of someone else’s money, hello!).  So, ya know, 5 MP is pretty dang good.  Throw in that I picked up this little gem for a mere $60+tax (sale, Best Buy), and suddenly, it sounds a whole lot better.  And to whip the crap out of that other crappy camera (that was nearly the same price because Disney likes to screw parents with their pants on), it also sports a 1.5″ LCD screen.

The Argus sports its own rechargeable lithium battery, which is very nice.  We use rechargeables for darn near everything anyway, but they do die out and batteries are heavy.  Hopefully this battery will have a good life, and hopefully I will remember to plug it in slightly more than I can remember to plug in my cell phone.  It comes with a wall charger, though, which is a step above many others I’ve seen that come with their own rechargeable battery but require plugging into the computer for charging (not so convenient when camping); however, it will, of course, also charge when hooked up via USB to the computer.  In added coolness, the USB cable also has the RCA leads attached to the same cable, making it one less cable to lose/store/find and giving you the ability to plug it into the TV/DVD player, etc., at grandma’s and view a slideshow.

Speaking of slideshows, you can also view a slideshow on the camera itself, and you can have a more than 10-pic slideshow because it uses a standard SD card and not crappy internal memory.  And with that memory card, you’ll also have plenty of space for the video files you can make with it too.  There are options for a date/timestamp and taking pics in color, sepia, and monochrome.  Unlike Argus’ Bean Sprout designed for kids (read: very young kids/cheaper price tag), the Bean 5MP also has a flash.  Having a flash used up that space for a viewfinder, so the LCD is the viewfinder; this will decrease battery life, but come on, like that tiny viewfinder ever got you a decent picture anyway.

In the con category, I will say that the flash is, um, bright!  And actually, that’s great for distance pictures, but it’s rough on the closeups.  In fact, the focus of this camera isn’t so good for closeups, period.  It just won’t sinch down that tightly.  For a kid, though, that’s kinda perfect because he isn’t going to get that crazy close to anything anyway.  It does also offer a 4X zoom, albeit digital - but what do you want for $60?  The battery could be a downer, but for now, the weight is a good trade-off.  The videos are grainy if you’re shooting at a distance (and not using the zoom), but I captured the kid sailing past on his scooter and honestly, I thought it did a better job capturing his motion without all the seasick-shakiness that I usually get on the expensive video camera.  I think it will be sufficient for his use for sure.

Without a doubt, I have 2 favorite things about this camera:  First, it is light as a feather and small in my hands.  I mean, ridiculously so.  It is so light that I almost feel like I’m going to drop it or fling it into the air when I’m holding it, but that means it is PERFECT for the youngster.  The lack of weight also combines with my second favorite thing, the carbiner clip handle, to make it just outstanding for on-the-go.  I hooked it to a lanyard, dropped it around the kid’s neck, and he took off on his scooter with it, stopping to take pictures along the way.  I then went for a 20-minute walk with him while wearing it around my own neck - being reasonably sensitive to weight around my neck, mind you, and it didn’t bother me a bit.

And really, the best testimonial I can possibly give are these shots by my son - angles I’ll treasure and certainly never would have found (or been allowed to find) myself:

And this one, by me:

If you’re looking for a decent digital for your elementary school kid or even teen on the go, the Argus Bean 5MP is a great option.

…and did I mention that he also got a new scooter? 

Yes, faithful readers, I bring you a new feature of the Dyskinesia blog:  Crap I remember that everyone else would love to forget.  It’s Whiplash Wednesday!

I’m a devout Pepsi drinker (Boo Hiss to Coke!!), and I was an equally devout MJF fan (swoon - He’s so cute!!).  Enjoy. 

Talk about an ADD mantra…

You know, I keep a list in my Drafts folder of the gazillion things I want to talk about here, the extra pages that I want to create, etc., with, of course, the very best intentions of eventually getting them completed.  I’m all for the “You’ve Gotta Have Goals” thing, but you hope that you manage to reach one every now and then. 

So, in the interest of “Meeting One Every Now and Then,” I’m going to attempt to try to kinda sorta dedicate myself to working on the ol’ blog for a while on Friday mornings.   Seriously, I can’t get more noncommittal than that. 

All right, I could, but I’m trying not to…

Got the new job! 

If I’m lucky, I might still show up around here this week since I’m still working both gigs and will be trying to figure out how to manage that for a while, heh.

Thanks for all the good wishes and thoughts.  They obviously helped!

Work still sucks, and I still haven’t heard from anyone about the other gig.

Crap, I still have to pay bills like I promised someone I would do.

I bought SpongeBob Monopoly today because I’m determined that my kid is going to learn to play board games.  Prepare yourself, dear; we’re playing tonight.

Strawberry Whoppers are kinda good, right up to the point when you eat too many of them.

Damn do I wish I had played some Rock Band today while the kid was at his friend’s house.

Microsoft has reaffirmed my faith that they are the devil.  TB will probably explain on his blog at some point, but let me just say:  Choose your Xbox Live name wisely, as it (a) change your profile name on your Xbox 360 and (b) cost you MONEY to change it in the future - even 3 minutes in the future.

Beagles do not like being left alone.  I love my mutt, but that is the biggest downside to pet ownership for me.

I hate shopping for clothes, pants in particular, and little did I know that if you want to buy decent summer clothes, you’d apparently need to be shopping for them in March since the only things left in June are scary.

My kid started jumping off the diving board today; I can’t wait to go see him do it. Which I am going to do right now!

OW!!!

what did you do, mom?

I banged my hand into the doorway, darn it.

you need to be careful.

Yeah, I know.  Mom has trouble with her careful.

well you need to do a better job being careful, or i’ll get you with my bandit gun.

I’ll need some time to think about my options.

okay, i’ll be waiting.

mom?

Yes?

next time you get in a car accident, i know who you should call.

You do?

yep, you need to call the heavy hitter.  he’ll take on the insurance company and get you your money FAST.

All rightee then.

you want the number?

You know what it is, don’t you?

it’s 555-1000

Thank you, Son.  I really need to teach you how to mute the commercials.

I’m going to state that ridiculously obvious here:  I am not a patient person.  Or as I usually say:  Patience is a virtue - one I don’t have.

And truly, my impatience is in everything.  If I buy a something as a gift for someone, not giving it to them until the appointed date and/or time is just about enough to make me pack my own bags for the funny farm; I can’t stand it.  I have an idea in my head for how this room could look better?  It is scant moments until I have my tape measure in hand.  There have been several times that, had the power been out when he got there, my husband would have come home and tripped over the couch being where the walkway USED to be.  Even in conversation, I’m a GET ON WITH IT ALREADY(!!)(!) kind of girl, as my scholarly (read: windbag) husband will attest.  (You can feel sorry for both of us there; we’ve both earned it.)

I’ve been more than a little aggravated with my workplace lately.  I am lucky in that I truly like a lot of the people that I work with; however, the BS is getting old in what my grandparents called a quick, fast hurry.  Hand-in-hand with my impatience is my need to fully understand what is expected of me.  I want training.  I want to understand my job, my duties, my software, and the tools I am expected to use.  I want to understand the rules of the company and the client, and I want to be able to recite them backward and forward in a way that someone else can understand (which, by the way, is part of my job).  The reason I want all of that is so that I can function as a highly-trained, intelligent individual within the organization.  It is the reason that I am self-employed, working as a subcontractor and paying my own #$%^(*! taxes at a higher rate than sane people.  When I am not given this type of information, even after repeatedly asking for it and even fostering ways to make it easier for it to be provided to me (and other in my position), I am left to wonder why.  This isn’t my first go-round in this type of position, and I have never been denied this type of information before.  Based on other communications, policies, etc., I am left with two overwhelming impressions:  Information and training are not being provided because (1) the director doesn’t know what he’s doing in this field and does not recognize how different it is than others and (2) the director wants to micromanage.

The more I think about all of this, the more clear it becomes to me that this isn’t something that is apt to change any time soon.  It appears that it has been this way for quite some time and that, barring a supreme act of nature, it’s gonna stay that way.  This means that I suddenly find myself in a itchin’ hurry to get the hell outta Dodge.

Which brings me back to patience, and that lack thereof.

I have a resume waiting at another company right now.  They’re swamped with new clients and needing help, and their ad came across my desk at the right moment.  It’s a company I’ve considered several times over the last few years, but the timing was never right.  I think I have a very good shot at contracting with them, and from all I’ve heard, it sounds like it could be an excellent fit for me.  Of course, there is still that ‘grass is always greener’ thing, but I’m optimistic because someone I have a lot of respect for couldn’t find a single negative thing to say after having been there for more than a year.

It’s been a week.  The ants in my pants are getting antsy.  And with every e-mail from the current company that gives one more tidbit of information that directly contradicts something said previously or gives a shred of new information that should/could have been shared in the training that should have happened when I or any of the lackeys below me were hired, the ants give birth to more ants.  And they’re all pissed.

Frick.  I hate waiting.