837 days and counting

I figured it out.  I have cried, nearly every day, for 837 days.

On many of the days that I have cried, there have been more, far more than enough tears to make up for the days I didn’t.

My face looks so much different than it did 837 days ago.  My skin; the lines in my forehead, around my eyes, at my mouth; the way my mouth sits at rest, now with a downturn at the edges.  The sadness has etched itself into topical relief that will never leave me at this age.  I look in the mirror and am, metaphorically at least, unrecognizable.  But maybe it isn’t metaphor because I still can’t find myself under all those tears.

And yet, even carrying all that sorrow, I am surprised, even stunned when I can still be hurt.  And hurt.  And hurt some more.  Because 837 days ago, I thought I finally would stop being hurt for all the same reasons, but I was wrong.  In fact, it hurts so much more because it simply brings into very sharp focus all that never really was and was never given a chance to be and how much of my life and my self that I gave to wishing it could and trying to believe it would.

I don’t write this message in search of sympathy or hugs or “it’ll get better.”  I write it for me, because I have to have a place to put it, a place to let it go of it, a place to hope for the next 837 days.  And I do.  I hope.  Because it’s still all I have.

 

Posted in Damn It, Divorce, Marriage, The Ugly Truth | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Potential

I had a realization this morning: I have always loved my family most for what they could be.

I wonder why? Did I get glimpses & then it would just go completely off the rails & then the process keep repeating? I believe so, yes.

And so it seems maybe I have found my reason for my “potential-seeking” behavior. As if I can simply love someone into the best version of themselves if they aren’t willing or capable of doing it on their own. I mean, the romantic in me wants to believe that’s kind of what a soulmate is — someone who makes you a better you and vice versa — but it’s supposed to be because you complement each other, how who they are makes you feel about who you are.

It is not because one person likes who the other is and wants to be like them in those ways, not because one person loves the other “enough” to somehow make it okay to be themselves but only around each other, and, contrary to every sports & prayer healing motivation, wanting it bad enough won’t get it done. It will just leave you brokenhearted over and over again.

Is it possible to escape the cycle of potential?

Posted in Damn It, Divorce, Family, Marriage, Therapy, Who am I? | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Of Hope and Fear

All of my life, I have clung to hope with a tenacity I can’t describe. I don’t know where it comes from. It is foolishness? Is it codependency? Is it an eternal optimism that is somehow hard coded into my DNA? Is it simply a child’s innocence that my psyche refuses to give up? Stubbornness? Insanity? What in the world makes hope course through my veins like the blood that keeps me alive.

Even in the face of pain & anguish, in the lowest moments of my life — and they have been several and very, very low, in the most horrible mistakes I have ever made that I wish so much that I could take back — in all of these moments, even when it seemed it might be totally incongruous to the facts, I have still had hope.

After nearly 2 agonizing years, I have hope still. Hope that someday this pain will stop. Hope that I will come out of the other side of this stronger, wiser, and a better version of my true self. Hope that, by some miracle, this destruction and devastation of my family will somehow be to the benefit of my child instead of to his detriment. And I think it is that last one that makes this feel different from every other moment in my life when I might have disparaged & yet somehow survived: My fears for myself are great, yes, but my fears for my son…

The costs of these two years for him are what I fear that I will never get over, that I will never be able to forgive. He & I have lost time that we will never get back. We’ve lost communication. We’ve lost so much opportunity, not least for the therapies that he so desperately needs — because I have been lost in a sea of anguish and spending my every waking moment trying to survive, emotionally and financially. The analogy of the plane losing pressure and putting on your own oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs… I’ve heard it so many times & it makes sense, but when it takes years to get your own mask on, there will be consequences to your child that will last forever.

I am so very tired. Tired of hoping, tired of hurting, tired of believing that the light will come back, tired of feeling powerless, tired of the fight to keep from drowning, tired of being angry, tired of trying to be kind, tired of trying to understand, tired of this infection touching the lives of every single person with whom I have contact, tired of never having a single moment’s peace from this madness.

How long can a person live in pain and anger before it fundamentally changes them? More pointedly, how long will it be before I lose hope? And who will I be if I do? It is my greatest fear, and it feels closer with every day and every new struggle.

Posted in Damn It, Divorce, Family, Kids, Marriage, The Ugly Truth, Therapy, Who am I? | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Overheard: Reincarnation

i wonder what would happen if, after this life, i was popcorn in my next life

… You’d get eaten!

yeah, okay, maybe i should pick something different.  i think i’d be a kid because being a kid is the best.

But you haven’t been an adult yet, so how do you know?

because it is!

Only if you have good parents.

oh yeah, that is SO TRUE.

______________________________

You guys call that whatever you want.  I’m calling it validation!

Posted in Asperger's, Kids, The Boy | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Oy, my hip.

Okay, so it’s been so frickin long since I wrote a blog that WordPress changed everything (probably 2 or 3 times) since I was last here and it took me a solid 3 minutes to figure out how to post something. These kids and their new fangled technamacology. Sigh!

But, here I am. I’ve wanted to come back so many times, and my goodness at how very, very, OHSOVERY much I have to say about the last year of my life.

At the moment though, I’m too busy noticing that someone else named my happy little corner of the innerwebs as one of the 6 best ADD/ADHD blogs. Of course, they did so a year ago this month and I just found out. Timing is a wicked mistress, I tell you. Wicked!

Nonetheless, I’m forced to admit that even when I am posting with some regularity, sometimes I think the most ADD thing about my blog is that I forget to post about my ADD. :)

Oooo, look, a squirrel!

Here’s hoping I’m back for a while. Or at least until someone else wants to tell me I’m awesome. You know, while I’m on safari or something.

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Always Good

There are a few simple things in my life that are always good things.  A short list for my future remembering:

  • Lego Rockband
  • Sleep
  • A Christopher Moore book
  • Singing
  • Purple toenail polish
  • My own smile
  • An excellent red microbrew
  • Fishing on a hot summer’s day
  • Quail egg shots
  • 1000 thread-count sheets
  • Writing
  • Seeing favorite musicians in concert
  • Snuggling with a warm puppy
  • Laughter
  • Morel mushrooms
  • A baseball game on a summer night
  • Dancing
  • My heart

I think this may become a list I continue to update.  Who can’t use a reminder of what is good in life?

Posted in Damn It, Randomosity, Therapy, Who am I? | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Overheard: Rock the Vote

Boy just declared that he is running for president when he grows up so that he can make school 100% voluntary. 

His campaign slogan?

if you don’t vote for me, you’ll become my slave.

That’s catchy, right there.

I can’t wait to be the mother of a president!

Posted in Asperger's, Kids, The Boy | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Of Newness and Resolution

Welcome 2011.  May you be bloody awesome.

A friend asked me today what my New Year’s resolution was going to be.  Now, it’s important to note that I haven’t made an actual New Year’s resolution in many, many a year.  Why?  Well, first, I figure any day is as good as the next to change your life.  Second, I’m social but not so much a ‘joiner’ in that kind of way.  I’m all for the support network that it can create for several people to make a change in their lives at once (hello, No Butts), but at some point in my life, I threw off that heavy mantle of peer pressure when it came to my major decisions and making them on a particular day.

I crack me up.

But, on January 1, when I thought about my friend’s question, I realized that I just so happened to be at one of those pivotal points where, over the last several days, I already had been feeling the need to make some adjustments in my life, and it just so happened that it was a good day to put it into words and solidify the concept in my mind.

I will slow my life down. The last few months have moved at a whirlwind pace.  I totally understand why I chose the pace that I did, and while it may not have been perfect, it was absolutely valid.  I’ve reached a place now, though, that I’m ready to step back from that pace and do a bit more pausing in my journey.  I’m feeling quite happy and content with that — and I also know it’s the right thing for me because I don’t give a damn if anyone else is happy and content with it; if not, they are free to keep going at their own pace.  That’s a good place for me.

I will reexamine, redefine, and take comfort in my own boundaries. Wow, I have sucked at this — for years.  I’ve been lucky to make some great friends recently though, friends who challenge me in my life and seek my counsel in their own, friends who make me laugh and smile in ways I’d forgotten I could, friends who are very excited to know me and enjoy what I bring to the table of life.  I feel blessed and lucky.  I feel accepted.  I feel equal.  And with that, I have found a perfect place to test, redefine, and assert my boundaries, for myself and others.  That is a rewarding feeling and a huge part of feeling like I now have the opportunity to slow down a bit.

I will remember my own strength. This is an easy thing for a person to misplace.  We forget that we are stronger than the sum of our parts, of our experiences, of how others have treated us.  And when we are feeling our strength, it is very easy for us to forget that it can be wielded against others, even when it is not our intention.  There is a fine line between using our strength for ourselves and letting it attack other people who don’t deserve it.  That is a line I want to pay attention to and remember, from both sides.

Welcome 2011.  May you be as bloody awesome as I plan to be to myself.

Posted in Decisions, On the Path, Randomosity, Therapy, Who am I? | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Music!

Yeah, it could have been a Monday Music, but really, does anyone have any illusions that I would keep up with that?  No, I thought not.  :D

Love, love, love this damn song.  Easily my favorite Weezer song.  Happy Monday!

And yes, you’ll have to click it and head to YouTube, copyright bastiches.

DO IT!  You know you want to.  You do!  … and I want you to.  ;)

Weezer:  (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To

Posted in Musical | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Tomorrow

Because I have to put this somewhere today.

And was happy that I could spread the joy of watching this young man’s talent in the process.  Totally fitting.  Enjoy!

*Yes, I know the embedded police hijacked this, but click the link.  I dare you.  No, I triple dog dare you.  Oh yes, yes, I did.

Posted in Left Field, Musical, Who am I? | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments